Best Thing Ever

(to add to my massive pile of things all similarly labeled)




http://recoveryrecord.com

Here's the thing. If you don't have an eating disorder, than it's not YOUR thing, and this is only your post if you care about how one might be overcome. But I have been looking for this app for months, without being honest enough with my smart phone to bring up the results I actually needed.

Today, in my short lapse in belief that I would be able to face my pain and go to church despite it... I FOUND THIS. Then I sucked it up and went to church after all.

I have been fighting with my dietitian about "emotion charting" since day one. I don't want to do it. Even though I am 100% sure I will see some results from it. When I do get it done for one or two white-knuckle days, I don't do it well becuase I only count the food I eat and don't purge. I pay no attention to how I'm feeling when I'm binging.

As I am sure you can imagine... No results are forthcoming from this attitude.

I realized, that I have another addiction. My Smartphone. I went for so long telling myself that I didn't need one. Now I have one. I still think it's not necessary to life, but I can't imagine going back, either.

So, I started looking for a food-tracking, emotion charting, depression rating, chart forming and recovery helping app. Because, honestly, if I can do it on my phone- I might actually do it.

I found a few apps that track depression. Or moods. I did everything I could to customize them for ME. The problem with them all was the frequency of recorded check-ins. I couldn't find one under those topics that would let me track my emotions between each meal, snack, mood swing, whatever.

I typed in "eating disorder" this morning. Only a few things pulled up, but this GLORIOUS app was one of them. It calls itself RR (recovery records) and has a rather lovely geometric bird taking flight as it's logo.

It has what it calls "discrete reminders" to alert you when it is time to eat, record your emotions and if you insert a meal plan into the thing, it even tells you what foods you might partake of.

When you go in, it asks you a long (or short, depending on your customization. I'm a wreck, so mine is long) but simple to answer list of questions about your mood, your behaviors and even where, when and with whom you ate.

I have mine ask if I have drank water and gotten a little exercise since I last checked in.

NOW. This, as I am writing it, sound like a HUGE trigger. It's not that for me because, 1, I customized it to do these things. 2. I don't have to have done these things right, I just want to start tracking and identifying cause and effects. After that I can start applying 'coping skills' towards the correct emotional upheaval and find a way to stop the behaviors before I even start them.

This might not be for you, but I am thrilled because it will also help me keep more careful track of my food reactions, and might help me decide if some of them are having a psycholigial as well as physical effect on me.

Love and allergy friendly kisses,
Jo Aich

Our Compliments, Your Food Allergies

A response to my letter to my food allergies.

I’ve heard it said that [things will] come into our lives for a reason, bringing something we must learn. And we are [given what will] help us most to grow, if we let them… Who can say if I’ve been changed for the better? Because I knew you, I have been changed for good. And just to clear the air, I ask forgiveness for the things I’ve done you blame me for. Then I guess, we know there’s blame to share, and none of it seems to matter anymore!   -Wicked

Labels

Only soup cans need labels (well, actually, because of us all food needs labels. Very detailed and accurate labels).

You have fought to give us a name, but maybe our name is just Johanna. Not “Judge Johanna for her digestive disabilities,” either. As far as we can tell, you are the only one trying to name us that anyway. We are a part of your life and a God-given part of you.

Stop trying to label us nonexistent or temporary. We might be, but the only difference that makes to you is in your refusal to get used to us, and we feel like invaders or bullies every time you encounter us.

We are only allergies, intolerances and delusions to others. To you we are just a part of who you are. Your body reacts to food. Blood tests and skin pricks won’t change us. A doctor can tell you what they think of us, a therapist can help you deal with us and a dietician will either understand us, or won’t. None of these things is going to shift the way that your body is.

Finally, stop letting ED tell you that he can make us go away. Just because your reaction can be avoided by throwing up instead of letting trigger foods fully into your system doesn’t change how your body will react to the trigger. Janna tried to tell you. It’s time to believe it. You can’t have an Eating Disorder OR us. We are a part of you that isn’t going anywhere right now.

Blame Game

We know you want your life to be our fault. Know that it is not. You have pain, suffering and ugliness even in a future where you have us under strict regulation.

We are also not your fault. We know how you feel about blaming God. This time, though, it was him. The real ugliness? That is just a bit of you and a whole heap of Satan. There is a quote that we think is a good analogy.

“Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself.” ― C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

That’s us. We are just one of the contractors that Heavenly Father called in to make you into something better. We will get started as soon as you let go of the other contractors YOU hired. You keep trying to become what you were again, but unlike us, there is an outside agenda behind the contractors you brought in. They are not just cutting corners and overcharging blatantly, but beneath that they are doing damage to everything we have tried to build and crumbling the very foundations of everything you were before. Don’t call us thieves! We haven’t been the ones bullying you.

If you need to play the blame game, start with Satan. You might have thought you were doing the right thing when you invited him in, but you have to stop letting him take over this house. We aren’t here to tear you apart, those ‘besides-effects’ are just that, the necessary changes that come with heavy renovation. We are here to give you structure, teach you, and build you up. You have to start with a firm foundation, just like they tell you in church. We are of God, and we require a foundation that is of God, too.

Let There Be Light

You see that ‘light at tunnel’s end’ and we know you want it. We are here to help you get it. It is time to start accepting us, planning for us, and letting us do our jobs. You won’t be a bystander while we work, you are going to have to help us build you into a place where God can live. You have a long way to go to be ready for the extent of what we can bring to you, but there is something about doing things the right, slower way that leads to a better building. First, you have to stop calling in the other contractors. We cannot build where they have broken you while they are still here doing damage, but we can get you the contractors you will need to fix them. There’s even a DIY guide we call the scriptures, and when you don’t get it right (because you won’t at first) then you make the kind of call that works best on your knees. It won’t be tomorrow. But you are going to be magnificent when we are done. 

Fighting with Food.

Maybe it's time to fight USING food instead of fighting against food. Training commences tomorrow. :)

I'm a huge nerd. :D food fight starts at 6.10 and goes till about 10.40.

Here!! Go watch and LOVE.

(This photo is a product of roosterteeth inc.)

Yes. Those are turkeys on her fists, and he's got leeks. 

Seriously, though, I really enjoy RWBY. And this food fight.

Love and Allergy Friendly Kisses,

Jo Aich

GI- lookin' good?

Going in to let the drs. take a look at my entire GI system, just to see if there is anything bad going on in there, causing food allergies, caused by food allergies, caused by eating disorder... all the good stuff.

I'm scared. I'm also really excited. I hope there are some answers in there, and for once, no answer is an answer. It just means that the allergies are the only problem, I don't have to worry about something worse going on in my body and I can rest easy, and allergy free.




Update: the scope looked normal, so much relief to be sure that something horrible only FEELS like it's happening inside of me.

Love and Allergy Friendly Kisses,
Jo Aich

Thanks Colbie.

http://www.elle.com/news/beauty-makeup/colbie-caillat-try-video-makeup-transformation?click=hprc


Thanks to you, and to all the celebreties that have started making a real stand against the media beauty ideal.


I could rant forever, but I won't. I'll just say that there is something wrong when the girls and women who are truly confident in who they are and how they look are a small minority. Sometimes when a celebrity who IS media beautiful even without their stylists tells us to accept who we are it's easy to think, "nice sentiment for someone who is already perfect."
The worst part is, they probably don't think so. I know I don't. I have struggled with the woman in the mirror for a long time, but lately I have watched her change. Not because my body has gone through a change, but because my mind has. I like the body I see because it's mine, and it is the body that my husband, my children and my good friends love.

So it's time to find value in ourselves.
Please. Find it. You deserve it.

Love and kisses for all the things about you, big and small,
Jo Aich.

Food Allergies- I’m talking to you.

This, of necessity, will have to be written in fits and starts. (Milena McGraw, After Dunkirk)

Labels

As a beginning, why don’t I bring up the impossibility of naming you? I have no idea what you really are. I have read and heard so many things. If you occur within a certain time frame after ingestion, you are most likely allergies. If you occur later, intolerances. Allergies show up on blood tests. Intolerances are just medically elusive reactions to food. Indeed, in order to be vague enough, is “reactions” a better term for you? Even then, what if I have some real medical issue and all of you are just various manifestations that I have attributed, rightly or incorrectly to certain foods. Last, but perhaps most feared… what if you are all a great big, crazy daydream I’m having. I just made you up with so much force that I made you real. Then what do I call you and my dramatic bouts of illness? Delusions. And this is a term that I’m doing battle with all the time.

I can’t settle the issue. Thank you. Thank you. Ladies and Gentlemen. I am faced with the harsh reality of people who don’t care to get it. I can’t call you allergies, because the only socially acceptable allergies are those that have a visible reaction, like violent skin rashes or anaphylaxis. If an allergy can’t prove its existence, then it’s better not to place that label on it, just in case you offend someone with a “real” allergy. I can’t call you Intolerances, because those are all in your imagination. Another thing to work out with Janna instead of something really happening to my body. Also, if I say that, I’m probably just on that latest fad diet, right?

It makes me so mad I could spit. Or puke, I guess, in my case. If I am making this up (which I doubt) what difference could that possibly make? As a psychosis is it causing me less physical and psychological pain? Is it interfering less with my life? And, just in case I’m not nuts in this particular instance, what if you are just not looking hard enough to find a reason behind it all. What if there were something you COULD fix in me and you just gave up because it’s easier for you to label me and put my disease on your shelf. You told me what to do. Ignore it. That helps with all KINDS of problems, right?

Blame Game

I have the most terrible hope concerning you, food allergies (I really do have to settle, I guess). It is a hope that I know I should not cling to, but that I can’t help but wish for. I hope that my whole life is your fault. I hope that all of my health problems have a stem from you. That if I can avoid you truly that I can be free. All the sinus infections from my childhood, my horrible stomachaches, my migraines, my difficulty concentrating, my massive mood swings, my failing vision, my vocal inconsistencies,  my fainting spells Jr. college year, my tiredness, my inability to fall asleep, my anxiety and my depression- all you. What if you are only two of those things? What if you are only one? What if I avoid like a ninja and still feel ALL of these things? I want it to be you. I want to let you take the blame for everything bad in my life. Because that would make it all easier to take.

Yet, don’t I take it anyway? I feel as though you are my fault. If I was perfect at avoiding you, then I hope I would feel none of these things. So any time I feel them, it’s on me, right? either the problem cannot be blamed on you, and thus the blame falls to me; or I am to blame for eating the wrong foods anyway. It’s all my fault. My fault. My fault. Especially if you don’t really exist, right?

Besides-effects

Guess what. You suck. Let’s just get the rant over with, because I have to say it. You do so many ugly things to my body. When I eat wheat I retain water like only you would believe. Everything about me deflated when I stopped eating it regularly. I get MASSIVE migraines. The kind that make me want to give up on living just to get away from the pain. I get pain in my guts like they are exploding inside me and when I get nauseated I burp sulfur. For days on end.  I get diarrhea pouring painfully out of me for more than a week sometimes. I even throw up. but not the way I do when I decide to do it. Usually for about an hour, and involving a lot of dry heaving and bile. Sometimes the entire roof of my mouth gets a few layers of skin removed and I can’t tolerate solid food for a few days.

And what about the less specific, but seemingly correlated things? The rather intense dizziness that I have felt over the past month or two. The irritability that is probably more correlated to hangryness and pain, but both would be a problem associated with you, right? What about the depression that seems to get much worse in correlation with improper ingestion? Were you the reason I used to faint, despite the doctor’s decision that I was faking?

I just want to let you know right now, I do blame you for my eating disorder. ED had me after a bout or two of binging and purging and it IS an addiction, but you are what I was so afraid of. I definitely blame you. And every day that I have to go feeling nasty like this, the more I blame you. I can barely stand feeling this way. Maybe intolerances is a good name. The whole thing is pretty intolerable.

And if I am afraid of any one thing most, it is that I will never be strong enough to make it stop. I feel like I can’t fight you and ED at the same time. It’s exhausting. You might never go away, and right now ED is pushing harder than ever.

Stop Thief!

Sometimes I feel like a kid in the schoolyard yelling “give me back my toys” to a school bully who has ran off with them. The more I scream, the more likely the bully is to throw them over the fence before the grounds-lady can come stop you. Then I’ll be asked to be the bigger person and move on instead of making a scene. But playing with those toys? That was what I really wanted to be doing that day. I brought them from home special.

You are like that bully. You took away food. I really like food. I like the variety of tastes and the endless possibilities when combining flavors and textures to make something new. I’m even good at it. You robbed me of the enjoyment of tasting as I create for others. You made all of my favorite things actually inaccessible to me. And… let’s be honest. I’m mourning even the things you took from me that I didn’t care for much either way just because I don’t think you had any right to take that from me. I am starting to believe the “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” thing. But I’m still holding my grudge. I can’t believe you would do that to me.

I am also angry because you don’t just cost me the foods I can’t partake of without my body throwing a tantrum. You cost me my time, which is very precious to me, both the time I spend being too miserably ill to do much and the time it takes to make ANYTHING I can eat. You also cost actual money. enough to make it necessary for me to demand that my sensitive and earnest husband provide more for me. You aren’t just hurting me! You are taking time and money away from my family, and I can’t stand it. You owe me big.

Light at Tunnel’s End

I do mean big. I can see it, though. There is this person in my mind that I can see so vividly when I think about what this could become. She’s got a long braid down her back, a bandanna on her head and a long jean dress covered in dirt from working in the garden. She has got food growing or stored to take care of her allergies in case of an emergency. Her kids help her weed and water her garden as everyday chores. She has a lot of specialty recipes and lots of specific appliances in her kitchen, the result of slow gathering. She has ceased hating you and begun to enjoy the fruits of a life lived without the bondage of the side effects you bring along for the ride. She has a system for cleaning and preparing in the kitchen that allows her to keep on top of the needs of herself, her family, and her neighbors. She smiles wide as she wipes her forehead, leaving a dirty smear that she doesn’t care about. Now that she’s done in the kitchen and garden, she has time to spend with her family, friends, or writing a blog about how she has slowly gathered herself into a functional place.

Some of this is just not probably going to happen. But some of it is absolutely within my reach, and I want it so badly, I salivate a little. I want this woman to be me. I want her peace. And I will grow into something like this because I think I must. It seems to be a choice between this and bitterness. I don’t want to choose bitterness anymore.

Even now, I can feel these words helping me to let go.

Dear food allergies. Welcome to my life. May I have the forbearance to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to tell the difference.

With growing acceptance,

Jo Aich