A response to my letter to my food allergies.
I’ve heard it said
that [things will] come into our lives for a reason, bringing something we must
learn. And we are [given what will] help us most to grow, if we let them… Who
can say if I’ve been changed for the better? Because I knew you, I have been
changed for good. And just to clear the air, I ask forgiveness for the things
I’ve done you blame me for. Then I guess, we know there’s blame to share, and
none of it seems to matter anymore! -Wicked
Labels
Only soup cans need labels (well, actually, because of us all food needs labels. Very detailed and
accurate labels).
You have fought to give us a name, but maybe our name is
just Johanna. Not “Judge Johanna for her digestive disabilities,” either. As
far as we can tell, you are the only
one trying to name us that anyway. We are a part of your life and a God-given
part of you.
Stop trying to label us nonexistent or temporary. We might
be, but the only difference that makes to you is in your refusal to get used to
us, and we feel like invaders or bullies every time you encounter us.
We are only allergies, intolerances and delusions to others.
To you we are just a part of who you are. Your body reacts to food. Blood tests
and skin pricks won’t change us. A doctor can tell you what they think of us, a
therapist can help you deal with us and a dietician will either understand us,
or won’t. None of these things is going to shift the way that your body is.
Finally, stop letting ED tell you that he can make us go
away. Just because your reaction can be avoided by throwing up instead of
letting trigger foods fully into your system doesn’t change how your body will
react to the trigger. Janna tried to tell you. It’s time to believe it. You
can’t have an Eating Disorder OR us. We are a part of you that isn’t going
anywhere right now.
Blame Game
We know you want your life to be our fault. Know that it is
not. You have pain, suffering and ugliness even in a future where you have us
under strict regulation.
We are also not your fault. We know how you feel about
blaming God. This time, though, it was him. The real ugliness? That is just a
bit of you and a whole heap of Satan. There is a quote that we think is a good analogy.
“Imagine yourself as a living house.
God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what
He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof
and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised.
But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably
and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation
is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing
out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making
courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but
He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself.” ― C.S. Lewis, Mere
Christianity
That’s us. We are just one of the contractors that
Heavenly Father called in to make you into something better. We will get
started as soon as you let go of the other contractors YOU hired. You keep
trying to become what you were again,
but unlike us, there is an outside agenda behind the contractors you brought
in. They are not just cutting corners and overcharging blatantly, but beneath
that they are doing damage to everything we have tried to build and crumbling
the very foundations of everything you were before. Don’t call us thieves! We haven’t been the ones
bullying you.
If you need to play the blame game, start with Satan. You
might have thought you were doing the right thing when you invited him in, but
you have to stop letting him take over this house. We aren’t here to tear you
apart, those ‘besides-effects’ are just that, the necessary changes that come
with heavy renovation. We are here to give you structure, teach you, and build
you up. You have to start with a firm foundation, just like they tell you in
church. We are of God, and we require a foundation that is of God, too.
Let There Be Light
You see that ‘light at tunnel’s end’ and we know you want
it. We are here to help you get it. It is time to start accepting us, planning
for us, and letting us do our jobs. You won’t be a bystander while we work, you
are going to have to help us build you into a place where God can live. You
have a long way to go to be ready for the extent of what we can bring to you,
but there is something about doing things the right, slower way that leads to a
better building. First, you have to stop calling in the other contractors. We
cannot build where they have broken you while they are still here doing damage,
but we can get you the contractors you will need to fix them. There’s even a DIY
guide we call the scriptures, and when you don’t get it right (because you
won’t at first) then you make the kind of call that works best on your knees.
It won’t be tomorrow. But you are going to be magnificent when we are done.
