Birthday Miracle

For my birthday I went to the temple in the morning. I asked, as I was there, that I might be able to take the next big step towards overcoming my eating disorder.

That night we went to a local BBQ owned by a couple in our ward called "wallaby's." They are well known for their 99% gluten free menu. Most items have no wheat, the only thing that does is ONE of their sauces, and you can only get it if you ask for it specifically. It's 'off menu'.

It was PHENOMINAL. and it made me ill. Gluten free is not soy-dairy-corn-eggs-citric acid- wheat free. I was fine for a while, but I woke at 3 in the morning and was sick sick sick. Then I went back to sleep. And my life went on.

I determined the next day that it was MUCH less invasive than binging and purging. So... it was easier to see why I should not worry about it so much. But I know that it was mostly the blessing from the temple that morning. It has stayed with me and acted as a sheild, keeping the distracting thoughts of ED at bay.

It was hard to beleive that it could be like this, ever again. but it is.

Even if at some point I slip up again, now I know a few tricks. I know where to go for protection and what it feels like to have it. And I know that they that are with us are more than they that stand against us.

So many more.

~Jo Aich

I gave Art a go: SHAME

And it turned out a little better than I expected. This is mostly painted with a finger encased in paper towel, but the white and black in the background is spray painted and the words that are now mostly obscured were done in crayon. Its abstract. 10 points to anyone who can come up with any existential meaning of their own.

It's supposed to depict shame, but I think it ended up depicting what I am ashamed OF. And... I'm all right with that, because I admit to being rather happy with how it ended up (for a while those swirls had heads and teeth and were about to go for the kill. I didn't like that, so I whetted it off and painted from the base over again).

Events. They Have Transpired.

It has been a long time since I have posted here.

Things have been transpiring at a rapid pace and I'm just catching up to myself again now.

Here's a quick run-down.

1. I started going to the LDS ARP meetings on top of my Therapy and Dietician appointments each week. It is a kind of 12 step program re-fitted a little from the AA program to include scriptures from the Book of Mormon and the Doctrine and Covenants. It is... kind of my new favorite day of the week.

2. I got super sick. Throwing up all the time and without any apparent food connections.
Honestly, I lost some of the hope in food that I had been finding. It was a dark week. My poor Therapist was pretty worried.

3. I found out that I'm pregnant. At first... this was terrifying news. I was sure that my body is currently a baby killer. That fear is lingering, but I am also very happy. I love the two kids I have and having another is daunting but the best kind of good news.

Edit 9/14: This news didn't stay good. I miscarried. unknown, but seems likely that it was because of the ED.

4. I had another blood test done. Now I have to add foods to that list of things that I can't have. As always, not all the foods I react to are allergies, so I'm back into the doubting myself and wondering if all my reactions were false positives.


So... Things have Transpired, emotions have been everywhere. I'm sorry that I just haven't been ready to talk about how I was feeling.

But now, I'm feeling differently.

I am ME. That includes being a person with food reactions. That includes the Bulimia. That includes the pregnancy. And it includes being a person who can look at myself, see all these things, and find worth there anyway. This has been a long time coming, but since I'm learning it the punches aren't keeping me down for as long and finding hope... It is seeming more and more possible at the time.