And yet there is Hope.

over the last several weeks I had put in a lot of hours preparing for a baby shower for a neighbor who has just moved in. Her and I hit it off and after talking for a bit I realized that she had not been thrown any kind of shower and that there were a bunch of big important and expensive things that they didn't have yet. So I made invitations with a note that let the neighborhood know her circumstances and what she was in need of, and then I started on decorations. I have found that you can save a lot of money by spending time. We did a sheep theme and made up a caramel apple bar. It was very rewarding. I got a great response in donations for a group gift and many women just came to the shower with the usual onesies and nighties and burp cloths that you can just never have enough of in that first year. Needless to say, it was awesome.

For a few days following up to the shower I started having pretty bad back pain. I mostly just made preparations while lying down and things were all right, but it was pretty distracting during the shower itself and the cleanup was very difficult. Yet, I saw the hand of my Heavenly Father all through that day, people showed up to help, young men just came on over to put up chairs and take out trash. It was a miracle to me on a day like that.

I didn't think much of it when I had a little spotting that night. It had been a wonderful, but stressful day. The back pain was worse during church the next day. I went through all the motions, just a little more slumped and squirmy than usual. When I got home, I found that I was bleeding more. Not a lot, just... definately not spotting.

I wailed. Anyone who knows me well knows that I am emotional. I was terrified. I looked online at a few credible medical sources and then called the on-call OB at the place where I hadn't even gotten in to see an ob yet and asked what I should do. The doctor I spoke to helped to calm me down and told me that if the bleeding didn't get any worse that he would make time to see me the next morning when the office was open.

I waited. He told me that it looked like everything was fine, but I could have an ultrasound if I wanted. I did want, but the news wasn't good. They didn't find any fetal pull. There wasn't a baby inside of me at all. They told me that it was possible that I had passed the baby already, or that there had just never been one that formed at all.

I have to admit- I have heard it before from a very good friend of mine- it does feel less awful to believe there wasn't a baby that was lost. But I still wept on the way home. When we got there I asked for a blessing. The priesthood is very real, and I have had the spirit of the Lord so strongly beside me since then.

I wish that was when it ended, but on Tuesday night I was spending a little time with my neighbor after the kids went to bed, and I felt a crazy gush *down there* and hopped off her couch. There was blood everywhere. I was hugely embarrassed.  I hurried home and changed, but I bled through that almost instantly as well. (I did have on pads, the good kind too... Always Infinity For the Win. It wasn't nearly enough)

I called into the on-call line again and went to the ER. There were very nice to me there. They got me back and in a bed pretty fast, the ER Doctor was fast and very helpful and they got me some pain meds when my body went through it's mini-labor. They kept expecting me to pass a very small baby. I didn't. They put me on bed rest for however long I kept bleeding and cramping. (I still am, I should be typing this from a prone position. I'm not)

While I was there, I had my husband give me another blessing. Again I was wrapped up in the Spirit of love and comfort.

I had to go in again on Thursday, because I was bleeding even worse than the first time, but I got to skip the ER and go straight to see an Ultrasound Tech. The bleeding had subsided again before I even got there. The news on the ultrasound was good. No cancers, growths or tears. Just a body doing it's really amazing job of working itself back into place without damaging all the organs around the area.

This whole week has been full of little miracles, most of which have not been so little to me.
-The baby shower? Almost everything about that day was a miracle, hundreds of little ones and one big huge one.
-The couch cushion that was bled on? no stain at all. My neighbor showed me so I wouldn't fret.
-Then, the first night I was bleeding, just as I got home from the couch incident I got a text message asking how I was feeling from my Relief Society President. I let her know the situation and she lined up several nights of meals to be brought to my home. Before anyone knew anything about bed rest.
-My good friend watched my kids last minute on Monday morning so that I could go to see the doctor alone with my husband. I know it was not a good time for her, but she made it work. She didn't know what was going on.
-My new next-door neighbor has come over every day for three days and watched my kids ALL DAY while my husband works so that I can sleep/lay down pretty much all the time. She was there to help me when I started bleeding again.
-Most notably of all, to me, is this: After three major bouts of grief, all before that first hospital visit, I have not felt a need for it. I have had closure and I KNOW that my heavenly father has been watching out for me.
-I haven't used my eating disorder to deal with this. I haven't even been tempted. My Birthday Miracle has stuck with me.

My faith in my Father in Heaven has grown so much this week. Letting him take my burdens is something I have done before, but even in the action it has felt abstract. This time it does not. My burden is very obviously being carried for me. I am so grateful for all of his gifts and for the love it must take for him to have brought to pass so many miracles and so many people in my life just now. I love him.

~Jo Aich.