And yet there is Hope.

over the last several weeks I had put in a lot of hours preparing for a baby shower for a neighbor who has just moved in. Her and I hit it off and after talking for a bit I realized that she had not been thrown any kind of shower and that there were a bunch of big important and expensive things that they didn't have yet. So I made invitations with a note that let the neighborhood know her circumstances and what she was in need of, and then I started on decorations. I have found that you can save a lot of money by spending time. We did a sheep theme and made up a caramel apple bar. It was very rewarding. I got a great response in donations for a group gift and many women just came to the shower with the usual onesies and nighties and burp cloths that you can just never have enough of in that first year. Needless to say, it was awesome.

For a few days following up to the shower I started having pretty bad back pain. I mostly just made preparations while lying down and things were all right, but it was pretty distracting during the shower itself and the cleanup was very difficult. Yet, I saw the hand of my Heavenly Father all through that day, people showed up to help, young men just came on over to put up chairs and take out trash. It was a miracle to me on a day like that.

I didn't think much of it when I had a little spotting that night. It had been a wonderful, but stressful day. The back pain was worse during church the next day. I went through all the motions, just a little more slumped and squirmy than usual. When I got home, I found that I was bleeding more. Not a lot, just... definately not spotting.

I wailed. Anyone who knows me well knows that I am emotional. I was terrified. I looked online at a few credible medical sources and then called the on-call OB at the place where I hadn't even gotten in to see an ob yet and asked what I should do. The doctor I spoke to helped to calm me down and told me that if the bleeding didn't get any worse that he would make time to see me the next morning when the office was open.

I waited. He told me that it looked like everything was fine, but I could have an ultrasound if I wanted. I did want, but the news wasn't good. They didn't find any fetal pull. There wasn't a baby inside of me at all. They told me that it was possible that I had passed the baby already, or that there had just never been one that formed at all.

I have to admit- I have heard it before from a very good friend of mine- it does feel less awful to believe there wasn't a baby that was lost. But I still wept on the way home. When we got there I asked for a blessing. The priesthood is very real, and I have had the spirit of the Lord so strongly beside me since then.

I wish that was when it ended, but on Tuesday night I was spending a little time with my neighbor after the kids went to bed, and I felt a crazy gush *down there* and hopped off her couch. There was blood everywhere. I was hugely embarrassed.  I hurried home and changed, but I bled through that almost instantly as well. (I did have on pads, the good kind too... Always Infinity For the Win. It wasn't nearly enough)

I called into the on-call line again and went to the ER. There were very nice to me there. They got me back and in a bed pretty fast, the ER Doctor was fast and very helpful and they got me some pain meds when my body went through it's mini-labor. They kept expecting me to pass a very small baby. I didn't. They put me on bed rest for however long I kept bleeding and cramping. (I still am, I should be typing this from a prone position. I'm not)

While I was there, I had my husband give me another blessing. Again I was wrapped up in the Spirit of love and comfort.

I had to go in again on Thursday, because I was bleeding even worse than the first time, but I got to skip the ER and go straight to see an Ultrasound Tech. The bleeding had subsided again before I even got there. The news on the ultrasound was good. No cancers, growths or tears. Just a body doing it's really amazing job of working itself back into place without damaging all the organs around the area.

This whole week has been full of little miracles, most of which have not been so little to me.
-The baby shower? Almost everything about that day was a miracle, hundreds of little ones and one big huge one.
-The couch cushion that was bled on? no stain at all. My neighbor showed me so I wouldn't fret.
-Then, the first night I was bleeding, just as I got home from the couch incident I got a text message asking how I was feeling from my Relief Society President. I let her know the situation and she lined up several nights of meals to be brought to my home. Before anyone knew anything about bed rest.
-My good friend watched my kids last minute on Monday morning so that I could go to see the doctor alone with my husband. I know it was not a good time for her, but she made it work. She didn't know what was going on.
-My new next-door neighbor has come over every day for three days and watched my kids ALL DAY while my husband works so that I can sleep/lay down pretty much all the time. She was there to help me when I started bleeding again.
-Most notably of all, to me, is this: After three major bouts of grief, all before that first hospital visit, I have not felt a need for it. I have had closure and I KNOW that my heavenly father has been watching out for me.
-I haven't used my eating disorder to deal with this. I haven't even been tempted. My Birthday Miracle has stuck with me.

My faith in my Father in Heaven has grown so much this week. Letting him take my burdens is something I have done before, but even in the action it has felt abstract. This time it does not. My burden is very obviously being carried for me. I am so grateful for all of his gifts and for the love it must take for him to have brought to pass so many miracles and so many people in my life just now. I love him.

~Jo Aich.

Birthday Miracle

For my birthday I went to the temple in the morning. I asked, as I was there, that I might be able to take the next big step towards overcoming my eating disorder.

That night we went to a local BBQ owned by a couple in our ward called "wallaby's." They are well known for their 99% gluten free menu. Most items have no wheat, the only thing that does is ONE of their sauces, and you can only get it if you ask for it specifically. It's 'off menu'.

It was PHENOMINAL. and it made me ill. Gluten free is not soy-dairy-corn-eggs-citric acid- wheat free. I was fine for a while, but I woke at 3 in the morning and was sick sick sick. Then I went back to sleep. And my life went on.

I determined the next day that it was MUCH less invasive than binging and purging. So... it was easier to see why I should not worry about it so much. But I know that it was mostly the blessing from the temple that morning. It has stayed with me and acted as a sheild, keeping the distracting thoughts of ED at bay.

It was hard to beleive that it could be like this, ever again. but it is.

Even if at some point I slip up again, now I know a few tricks. I know where to go for protection and what it feels like to have it. And I know that they that are with us are more than they that stand against us.

So many more.

~Jo Aich

I gave Art a go: SHAME

And it turned out a little better than I expected. This is mostly painted with a finger encased in paper towel, but the white and black in the background is spray painted and the words that are now mostly obscured were done in crayon. Its abstract. 10 points to anyone who can come up with any existential meaning of their own.

It's supposed to depict shame, but I think it ended up depicting what I am ashamed OF. And... I'm all right with that, because I admit to being rather happy with how it ended up (for a while those swirls had heads and teeth and were about to go for the kill. I didn't like that, so I whetted it off and painted from the base over again).

Events. They Have Transpired.

It has been a long time since I have posted here.

Things have been transpiring at a rapid pace and I'm just catching up to myself again now.

Here's a quick run-down.

1. I started going to the LDS ARP meetings on top of my Therapy and Dietician appointments each week. It is a kind of 12 step program re-fitted a little from the AA program to include scriptures from the Book of Mormon and the Doctrine and Covenants. It is... kind of my new favorite day of the week.

2. I got super sick. Throwing up all the time and without any apparent food connections.
Honestly, I lost some of the hope in food that I had been finding. It was a dark week. My poor Therapist was pretty worried.

3. I found out that I'm pregnant. At first... this was terrifying news. I was sure that my body is currently a baby killer. That fear is lingering, but I am also very happy. I love the two kids I have and having another is daunting but the best kind of good news.

Edit 9/14: This news didn't stay good. I miscarried. unknown, but seems likely that it was because of the ED.

4. I had another blood test done. Now I have to add foods to that list of things that I can't have. As always, not all the foods I react to are allergies, so I'm back into the doubting myself and wondering if all my reactions were false positives.


So... Things have Transpired, emotions have been everywhere. I'm sorry that I just haven't been ready to talk about how I was feeling.

But now, I'm feeling differently.

I am ME. That includes being a person with food reactions. That includes the Bulimia. That includes the pregnancy. And it includes being a person who can look at myself, see all these things, and find worth there anyway. This has been a long time coming, but since I'm learning it the punches aren't keeping me down for as long and finding hope... It is seeming more and more possible at the time.

Everything Is Spiders

From Hyperbole and a half, which might be one of the funniest, and most honest depression story blogs ever...

It's a bit of a downer day. 

Today, everything is spiders. and my face is the same as 'not sounds.'

Even cute polar bears cuddling didn't make me smile. Why not? I don't know.


I'll just sign off this time.




Update: I cried a few hours later and everything was rather better thereafter. 

Profesional Validation. This does not happen often for me.

http://www.allergysupportcentre.ca/signs--symptoms.htm

Best Thing Ever

(to add to my massive pile of things all similarly labeled)




http://recoveryrecord.com

Here's the thing. If you don't have an eating disorder, than it's not YOUR thing, and this is only your post if you care about how one might be overcome. But I have been looking for this app for months, without being honest enough with my smart phone to bring up the results I actually needed.

Today, in my short lapse in belief that I would be able to face my pain and go to church despite it... I FOUND THIS. Then I sucked it up and went to church after all.

I have been fighting with my dietitian about "emotion charting" since day one. I don't want to do it. Even though I am 100% sure I will see some results from it. When I do get it done for one or two white-knuckle days, I don't do it well becuase I only count the food I eat and don't purge. I pay no attention to how I'm feeling when I'm binging.

As I am sure you can imagine... No results are forthcoming from this attitude.

I realized, that I have another addiction. My Smartphone. I went for so long telling myself that I didn't need one. Now I have one. I still think it's not necessary to life, but I can't imagine going back, either.

So, I started looking for a food-tracking, emotion charting, depression rating, chart forming and recovery helping app. Because, honestly, if I can do it on my phone- I might actually do it.

I found a few apps that track depression. Or moods. I did everything I could to customize them for ME. The problem with them all was the frequency of recorded check-ins. I couldn't find one under those topics that would let me track my emotions between each meal, snack, mood swing, whatever.

I typed in "eating disorder" this morning. Only a few things pulled up, but this GLORIOUS app was one of them. It calls itself RR (recovery records) and has a rather lovely geometric bird taking flight as it's logo.

It has what it calls "discrete reminders" to alert you when it is time to eat, record your emotions and if you insert a meal plan into the thing, it even tells you what foods you might partake of.

When you go in, it asks you a long (or short, depending on your customization. I'm a wreck, so mine is long) but simple to answer list of questions about your mood, your behaviors and even where, when and with whom you ate.

I have mine ask if I have drank water and gotten a little exercise since I last checked in.

NOW. This, as I am writing it, sound like a HUGE trigger. It's not that for me because, 1, I customized it to do these things. 2. I don't have to have done these things right, I just want to start tracking and identifying cause and effects. After that I can start applying 'coping skills' towards the correct emotional upheaval and find a way to stop the behaviors before I even start them.

This might not be for you, but I am thrilled because it will also help me keep more careful track of my food reactions, and might help me decide if some of them are having a psycholigial as well as physical effect on me.

Love and allergy friendly kisses,
Jo Aich