Everything is happening in it's due course.
Diagnosis of Postpartum Depression (yes, it's even more common in miscarriages)
My hair falling out
Feeling strange in my skin

It's very like the pregnancies I carried to term.

I'm sorry I don't write more, and even sorrier that when I do, it's not because I'm cheery.

Love you all.
Jo Aich

Black Bean Brownies

Black Bean Brownies are rich, delicious and very chocolaty. I am showing you my ingredients so that you may know the truth. I cannot afford very high quality products all around, so I spend on what I must in order to accommodate my own intolerances and allergies, and save every penny I can everywhere else. the honey, cocoa, vanilla and black beans were as bought cheaply and on sale. 

I decided not to use the almonds in my recipe this time, and have decided that though I like nuts in my brownies, that this is the kind of brownie that ought to remain smooth and without crunch. 

Begin by straining and rinsing both cans of beans well. Then put them in the blender (this is a big recipe, and I have a big blender, you may need to half the recipe if your machine is small) It is best to wait to blend until you have added the wet ingredients. 

Add the cocoa, baking powder, salt and oats together in the blender atop the beans.

Pour in the oil first, so that the measuring cup is coated in oil and the honey doesn't stick when you measure it in the next step. It starts looking very pretty now, all the layers in the blender. 

the vanilla was sucked down right into the oats, see? gone before I could snap a photo. Those oats are thirsty! 

As a matter of fact, it is all rather thirsty. In order to persuade this to blend, you are going to need to poke holes down through the dry ingredients so that the wet permeate through. It needs to be done this way so the wet ingredients distribute evenly, and aren't sucked away to only mix with the lowest layers. You are going to need to stop blending, stir and restart again many times, but it IS worth the time you take. The consistency of the brownies are marvelous, and will be runny if you try adding any more liquid. 

I found this pic online here, I forgot to take enough pictures, but this is how the batter should look covered in chocolate chips. 

Pour the brownies into your greased 9x13 pan, using a rubber spatula to empty the blender and to spread the batter across the pan. Sprinkle the top of the brownies with the remaining Chocolate Chips.
When the brownies are finished give them some time to sit before you try to cut them. They are very gooey at first!

I stole this pic from someone else. This is a fine example of how your finished product should look when cut. 

This is my edited and doubled version of a recipe I found from Chocolate Covered Katie, who is adorable and has a great many good ideas for healthy dessert recipies.

Black Bean (No Flour) Brownies! 

3 cups black beans (2 15oz cans, drained and rinsed)
6 tbs Cocoa Powder
1 cup instant gluten free oatmeal
1 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp salt
1 cup honey (or maple syrup for strict vegans)
1/2 cup canola oil
4 tsp gluten free vanilla extract
1-1 1/2 cups chocolate chips (it just does not taste right without them)

Preheat oven to 350 F. Combine all ingredients except half the chips in a blender until smooth (you will have to stop and stir often to get it blended all the way through, but it's worth it for healthier and allergy friendly dessert!) pour into a greased 9x13 inch pan. Sprinkle the remaining chips across the top. Cook for 17-22 minutes. Let them sit out and cool for a little while before trying to cut them, unless you don't mind having a gooey mess on your plate. Enjoy!

Print this recipe Here

Love and Allergy-friendly Kisses!

Jo Aich

Rosie Made a Pizza!!

My new neighbor has been teaching me how to interact with my children all over again. She is infinitely patient with them, and is always willing to take much longer in doing something so that they can both participate as much as they please. I am going to have to start meditating or something, with great focus on patience. 

It's a three-eyed, cheese covered pizza for the pizza eaters~ Is'nt it cute? 

My dear neighbor teaching Rosalee to knead dough, look how much fun they are both having! 

They also made little boots out of tin foil when Rosie grew out of her favorite frog rain boots.

From the Kitchen of Jo Aich

My owl looks over all the baking and cooking I try in this kitchen. If wood could speak, this one would be telling you all about my year of frustration and binging, and then about all the new things I have suddenly realized are going to help. Having good food that won't make my body hurt, or upset my emotions and mental capacity that I can look forward to eating? The more I keep atop this, the more everything changes. 

But not everything can be handmade.  I was talking to my sister the other day and she reccomended that I give a try to sweet potatoes. I found them on sale for $0.68 per lb. at a local store with great produce sales nearby, LoLos Fresh Food Warehouse. 

I have also found that many stores have begun carrying this Chex brand gluten free instant oatmeal. I really like Maple and Brown Sugar ones, although I do try to avoid this much sugar in general, it is a very easy thing to throw together in the morning when I'm still drowsy and unenergetic. 

I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day saints. This Gospel has been key in my recovery from my addictions, and this temple has held true and current miracles for me in my life. 

If you'd like to know how this happened, or what goes on in these sacred places, find out here, or find out more information about my religion on http://www.mormon.org. 

I have had the healing power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ in my life, and I truly want others to feel it as well. If you feel weird about it, go to these sites anyway. You won't feel weird for long. 

Love love love and allergy friendly kisses, 

Jo Aich

Too ambitious, my dear Watson?

I have decided that my previous plan to put a new recipe up each day- was too much. I'll be keeping it to three a week at most.
Thanks for all the support!

Love and Allergy Friendly Kisses.
Jo Aich

Allergy Friendly Apple Crunch Recipe

I used the Apple crunch as a bit of a cop-out when I realized that I just didn't have the energy to make up another allergy-friendly dish and take pictures of the process. So I took some pictures of my plate and am giving this a "minimalist" try, to see what I think when there are less photos. 

My neighbors have a beautiful tree with four different kinds of apples grafted very successfully into the same trunk. Half of the tree is red and the other half is green. My babies and I love walking past their home just because of that amazing tree. It had a great yield this year and they advertised to the neighborhood that the apples were ready on a first come-first serve basis. I had my hubby pick a box full on the way home from work- and these are what was left after making several batches of apple crunch. 

I'm going to tell you how I made this. Then I'll give you the easy apple crisp way. 

Simple base for homemade gluten-free granola

I had some leftover homemade granola base that I decided to use. Here's how I made it:

This recipe has no wheat, soy, corn, white cane sugar, is vegan and high in protein. 

2 cups GF oatmeal 

1/2 cup honey  

1 teaspoon vanilla

You may decide you'd rather have a different flavoring in place of the vanilla, and if you'd like to add raw nuts or fruit, now is the time. Any already-roasted nuts or dried fruits are often better added after it's baked so they don't get too dry. 

Mixed all ingredients together in a big bowl, tossing until the oats are well-coated. Spread over parchment paper on a large jelly-roll pan. Bake on 450 in the oven for about 15 minutes or until golden and hardened, removing to stir every five minutes or so. 

Apple Crunch

This recipe has no wheat, soy, corn, white cane sugar, is vegan and high in protein. 

I cut up 3 apples, added 1/4 cup each almond and coconut flours and tablespoon of coconut sugar and tossed it all together in a big bowl. 

I put the apple mix in a 8x8 square baking dish and poured the granola on top, about 1/2 inch thick covering the whole pan. 

bake at 350 for 25 minutes- the apples are still a little crunchy and the granola is on the browner side of done. It tastes wonderful. 

Allergy friendly Apple Crisp 

This recipe has no wheat, soy, corn, white cane sugar, is vegan and high in protein. 

The easy apple crisp recipe is an old tried-and true. I must have made it at least 50 times my freshman year of college, and this is just the allergy-friendly version. 

3 large apples cored and cut in thin slices

1 cup of GF flour mix  

1 cup GF oatmeal

1/2 cup honey

1/4 cup butter/shorting/substitute 

toss apples with 1/3 cup of the GF flour and 1/4 cup of the honey. 

Spray your 8x8 square pan and layer the apple mix across the bottom. 

in another bowl stir together the remaining 3/2 cup GF flour mix and 1 cup GF oatmeal until combined. Cut in the butter/shorting/substitute and honey at the same time, and work over until combined into good crumbles. 

bake at 350 for 20 minutes, or until golden brown. 

Best laid plans (mostly of mice)

I had meant at some point for this blog to become a place of healing and happy things.
It has become more of a venting place for my woes, I fear.

So, since things are going better and I'm getting my energy back since all the blood loss, I'm going to use you all as guinea pigs as I try something different.

drum roll please.

recipe blogging.

I'm going to need to learn how to write up directions, take careful account of everything I add to my recipes and take pictures that look nice (specifically of food, but this might apply to anything).

So, starting tomorrow I'm going to post one recipe every day (hold me accountable, guys, I really need the practice if this thing is going to happen), with pictures and with different formats.

I'll be experimenting with how a blogger goes about making their recipe easily printer-accessable.

I'll be copying different ideas from other food blogging sites on format for recipes, photos and how to do a write-up of the cooking experience.

I'm so excited I could blow a gasket! I hope I don't though. Since I don't have one and blowing the human equivalent seems... wrong. This is my plea. Comment as I experiment. Let me know what you don't like, specifically. Let me know if you really do like something a lot. Love and allergy friendly kisses, Jo Aich.

And yet there is Hope.

over the last several weeks I had put in a lot of hours preparing for a baby shower for a neighbor who has just moved in. Her and I hit it off and after talking for a bit I realized that she had not been thrown any kind of shower and that there were a bunch of big important and expensive things that they didn't have yet. So I made invitations with a note that let the neighborhood know her circumstances and what she was in need of, and then I started on decorations. I have found that you can save a lot of money by spending time. We did a sheep theme and made up a caramel apple bar. It was very rewarding. I got a great response in donations for a group gift and many women just came to the shower with the usual onesies and nighties and burp cloths that you can just never have enough of in that first year. Needless to say, it was awesome.

For a few days following up to the shower I started having pretty bad back pain. I mostly just made preparations while lying down and things were all right, but it was pretty distracting during the shower itself and the cleanup was very difficult. Yet, I saw the hand of my Heavenly Father all through that day, people showed up to help, young men just came on over to put up chairs and take out trash. It was a miracle to me on a day like that.

I didn't think much of it when I had a little spotting that night. It had been a wonderful, but stressful day. The back pain was worse during church the next day. I went through all the motions, just a little more slumped and squirmy than usual. When I got home, I found that I was bleeding more. Not a lot, just... definately not spotting.

I wailed. Anyone who knows me well knows that I am emotional. I was terrified. I looked online at a few credible medical sources and then called the on-call OB at the place where I hadn't even gotten in to see an ob yet and asked what I should do. The doctor I spoke to helped to calm me down and told me that if the bleeding didn't get any worse that he would make time to see me the next morning when the office was open.

I waited. He told me that it looked like everything was fine, but I could have an ultrasound if I wanted. I did want, but the news wasn't good. They didn't find any fetal pull. There wasn't a baby inside of me at all. They told me that it was possible that I had passed the baby already, or that there had just never been one that formed at all.

I have to admit- I have heard it before from a very good friend of mine- it does feel less awful to believe there wasn't a baby that was lost. But I still wept on the way home. When we got there I asked for a blessing. The priesthood is very real, and I have had the spirit of the Lord so strongly beside me since then.

I wish that was when it ended, but on Tuesday night I was spending a little time with my neighbor after the kids went to bed, and I felt a crazy gush *down there* and hopped off her couch. There was blood everywhere. I was hugely embarrassed.  I hurried home and changed, but I bled through that almost instantly as well. (I did have on pads, the good kind too... Always Infinity For the Win. It wasn't nearly enough)

I called into the on-call line again and went to the ER. There were very nice to me there. They got me back and in a bed pretty fast, the ER Doctor was fast and very helpful and they got me some pain meds when my body went through it's mini-labor. They kept expecting me to pass a very small baby. I didn't. They put me on bed rest for however long I kept bleeding and cramping. (I still am, I should be typing this from a prone position. I'm not)

While I was there, I had my husband give me another blessing. Again I was wrapped up in the Spirit of love and comfort.

I had to go in again on Thursday, because I was bleeding even worse than the first time, but I got to skip the ER and go straight to see an Ultrasound Tech. The bleeding had subsided again before I even got there. The news on the ultrasound was good. No cancers, growths or tears. Just a body doing it's really amazing job of working itself back into place without damaging all the organs around the area.

This whole week has been full of little miracles, most of which have not been so little to me.
-The baby shower? Almost everything about that day was a miracle, hundreds of little ones and one big huge one.
-The couch cushion that was bled on? no stain at all. My neighbor showed me so I wouldn't fret.
-Then, the first night I was bleeding, just as I got home from the couch incident I got a text message asking how I was feeling from my Relief Society President. I let her know the situation and she lined up several nights of meals to be brought to my home. Before anyone knew anything about bed rest.
-My good friend watched my kids last minute on Monday morning so that I could go to see the doctor alone with my husband. I know it was not a good time for her, but she made it work. She didn't know what was going on.
-My new next-door neighbor has come over every day for three days and watched my kids ALL DAY while my husband works so that I can sleep/lay down pretty much all the time. She was there to help me when I started bleeding again.
-Most notably of all, to me, is this: After three major bouts of grief, all before that first hospital visit, I have not felt a need for it. I have had closure and I KNOW that my heavenly father has been watching out for me.
-I haven't used my eating disorder to deal with this. I haven't even been tempted. My Birthday Miracle has stuck with me.

My faith in my Father in Heaven has grown so much this week. Letting him take my burdens is something I have done before, but even in the action it has felt abstract. This time it does not. My burden is very obviously being carried for me. I am so grateful for all of his gifts and for the love it must take for him to have brought to pass so many miracles and so many people in my life just now. I love him.

~Jo Aich.

Birthday Miracle

For my birthday I went to the temple in the morning. I asked, as I was there, that I might be able to take the next big step towards overcoming my eating disorder.

That night we went to a local BBQ owned by a couple in our ward called "wallaby's." They are well known for their 99% gluten free menu. Most items have no wheat, the only thing that does is ONE of their sauces, and you can only get it if you ask for it specifically. It's 'off menu'.

It was PHENOMINAL. and it made me ill. Gluten free is not soy-dairy-corn-eggs-citric acid- wheat free. I was fine for a while, but I woke at 3 in the morning and was sick sick sick. Then I went back to sleep. And my life went on.

I determined the next day that it was MUCH less invasive than binging and purging. So... it was easier to see why I should not worry about it so much. But I know that it was mostly the blessing from the temple that morning. It has stayed with me and acted as a sheild, keeping the distracting thoughts of ED at bay.

It was hard to beleive that it could be like this, ever again. but it is.

Even if at some point I slip up again, now I know a few tricks. I know where to go for protection and what it feels like to have it. And I know that they that are with us are more than they that stand against us.

So many more.

~Jo Aich

I gave Art a go: SHAME

And it turned out a little better than I expected. This is mostly painted with a finger encased in paper towel, but the white and black in the background is spray painted and the words that are now mostly obscured were done in crayon. Its abstract. 10 points to anyone who can come up with any existential meaning of their own.

It's supposed to depict shame, but I think it ended up depicting what I am ashamed OF. And... I'm all right with that, because I admit to being rather happy with how it ended up (for a while those swirls had heads and teeth and were about to go for the kill. I didn't like that, so I whetted it off and painted from the base over again).

Events. They Have Transpired.

It has been a long time since I have posted here.

Things have been transpiring at a rapid pace and I'm just catching up to myself again now.

Here's a quick run-down.

1. I started going to the LDS ARP meetings on top of my Therapy and Dietician appointments each week. It is a kind of 12 step program re-fitted a little from the AA program to include scriptures from the Book of Mormon and the Doctrine and Covenants. It is... kind of my new favorite day of the week.

2. I got super sick. Throwing up all the time and without any apparent food connections.
Honestly, I lost some of the hope in food that I had been finding. It was a dark week. My poor Therapist was pretty worried.

3. I found out that I'm pregnant. At first... this was terrifying news. I was sure that my body is currently a baby killer. That fear is lingering, but I am also very happy. I love the two kids I have and having another is daunting but the best kind of good news.

Edit 9/14: This news didn't stay good. I miscarried. unknown, but seems likely that it was because of the ED.

4. I had another blood test done. Now I have to add foods to that list of things that I can't have. As always, not all the foods I react to are allergies, so I'm back into the doubting myself and wondering if all my reactions were false positives.


So... Things have Transpired, emotions have been everywhere. I'm sorry that I just haven't been ready to talk about how I was feeling.

But now, I'm feeling differently.

I am ME. That includes being a person with food reactions. That includes the Bulimia. That includes the pregnancy. And it includes being a person who can look at myself, see all these things, and find worth there anyway. This has been a long time coming, but since I'm learning it the punches aren't keeping me down for as long and finding hope... It is seeming more and more possible at the time.

Everything Is Spiders

From Hyperbole and a half, which might be one of the funniest, and most honest depression story blogs ever...

It's a bit of a downer day. 

Today, everything is spiders. and my face is the same as 'not sounds.'

Even cute polar bears cuddling didn't make me smile. Why not? I don't know.


I'll just sign off this time.




Update: I cried a few hours later and everything was rather better thereafter. 

Profesional Validation. This does not happen often for me.

http://www.allergysupportcentre.ca/signs--symptoms.htm

Best Thing Ever

(to add to my massive pile of things all similarly labeled)




http://recoveryrecord.com

Here's the thing. If you don't have an eating disorder, than it's not YOUR thing, and this is only your post if you care about how one might be overcome. But I have been looking for this app for months, without being honest enough with my smart phone to bring up the results I actually needed.

Today, in my short lapse in belief that I would be able to face my pain and go to church despite it... I FOUND THIS. Then I sucked it up and went to church after all.

I have been fighting with my dietitian about "emotion charting" since day one. I don't want to do it. Even though I am 100% sure I will see some results from it. When I do get it done for one or two white-knuckle days, I don't do it well becuase I only count the food I eat and don't purge. I pay no attention to how I'm feeling when I'm binging.

As I am sure you can imagine... No results are forthcoming from this attitude.

I realized, that I have another addiction. My Smartphone. I went for so long telling myself that I didn't need one. Now I have one. I still think it's not necessary to life, but I can't imagine going back, either.

So, I started looking for a food-tracking, emotion charting, depression rating, chart forming and recovery helping app. Because, honestly, if I can do it on my phone- I might actually do it.

I found a few apps that track depression. Or moods. I did everything I could to customize them for ME. The problem with them all was the frequency of recorded check-ins. I couldn't find one under those topics that would let me track my emotions between each meal, snack, mood swing, whatever.

I typed in "eating disorder" this morning. Only a few things pulled up, but this GLORIOUS app was one of them. It calls itself RR (recovery records) and has a rather lovely geometric bird taking flight as it's logo.

It has what it calls "discrete reminders" to alert you when it is time to eat, record your emotions and if you insert a meal plan into the thing, it even tells you what foods you might partake of.

When you go in, it asks you a long (or short, depending on your customization. I'm a wreck, so mine is long) but simple to answer list of questions about your mood, your behaviors and even where, when and with whom you ate.

I have mine ask if I have drank water and gotten a little exercise since I last checked in.

NOW. This, as I am writing it, sound like a HUGE trigger. It's not that for me because, 1, I customized it to do these things. 2. I don't have to have done these things right, I just want to start tracking and identifying cause and effects. After that I can start applying 'coping skills' towards the correct emotional upheaval and find a way to stop the behaviors before I even start them.

This might not be for you, but I am thrilled because it will also help me keep more careful track of my food reactions, and might help me decide if some of them are having a psycholigial as well as physical effect on me.

Love and allergy friendly kisses,
Jo Aich

Our Compliments, Your Food Allergies

A response to my letter to my food allergies.

I’ve heard it said that [things will] come into our lives for a reason, bringing something we must learn. And we are [given what will] help us most to grow, if we let them… Who can say if I’ve been changed for the better? Because I knew you, I have been changed for good. And just to clear the air, I ask forgiveness for the things I’ve done you blame me for. Then I guess, we know there’s blame to share, and none of it seems to matter anymore!   -Wicked

Labels

Only soup cans need labels (well, actually, because of us all food needs labels. Very detailed and accurate labels).

You have fought to give us a name, but maybe our name is just Johanna. Not “Judge Johanna for her digestive disabilities,” either. As far as we can tell, you are the only one trying to name us that anyway. We are a part of your life and a God-given part of you.

Stop trying to label us nonexistent or temporary. We might be, but the only difference that makes to you is in your refusal to get used to us, and we feel like invaders or bullies every time you encounter us.

We are only allergies, intolerances and delusions to others. To you we are just a part of who you are. Your body reacts to food. Blood tests and skin pricks won’t change us. A doctor can tell you what they think of us, a therapist can help you deal with us and a dietician will either understand us, or won’t. None of these things is going to shift the way that your body is.

Finally, stop letting ED tell you that he can make us go away. Just because your reaction can be avoided by throwing up instead of letting trigger foods fully into your system doesn’t change how your body will react to the trigger. Janna tried to tell you. It’s time to believe it. You can’t have an Eating Disorder OR us. We are a part of you that isn’t going anywhere right now.

Blame Game

We know you want your life to be our fault. Know that it is not. You have pain, suffering and ugliness even in a future where you have us under strict regulation.

We are also not your fault. We know how you feel about blaming God. This time, though, it was him. The real ugliness? That is just a bit of you and a whole heap of Satan. There is a quote that we think is a good analogy.

“Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself.” ― C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

That’s us. We are just one of the contractors that Heavenly Father called in to make you into something better. We will get started as soon as you let go of the other contractors YOU hired. You keep trying to become what you were again, but unlike us, there is an outside agenda behind the contractors you brought in. They are not just cutting corners and overcharging blatantly, but beneath that they are doing damage to everything we have tried to build and crumbling the very foundations of everything you were before. Don’t call us thieves! We haven’t been the ones bullying you.

If you need to play the blame game, start with Satan. You might have thought you were doing the right thing when you invited him in, but you have to stop letting him take over this house. We aren’t here to tear you apart, those ‘besides-effects’ are just that, the necessary changes that come with heavy renovation. We are here to give you structure, teach you, and build you up. You have to start with a firm foundation, just like they tell you in church. We are of God, and we require a foundation that is of God, too.

Let There Be Light

You see that ‘light at tunnel’s end’ and we know you want it. We are here to help you get it. It is time to start accepting us, planning for us, and letting us do our jobs. You won’t be a bystander while we work, you are going to have to help us build you into a place where God can live. You have a long way to go to be ready for the extent of what we can bring to you, but there is something about doing things the right, slower way that leads to a better building. First, you have to stop calling in the other contractors. We cannot build where they have broken you while they are still here doing damage, but we can get you the contractors you will need to fix them. There’s even a DIY guide we call the scriptures, and when you don’t get it right (because you won’t at first) then you make the kind of call that works best on your knees. It won’t be tomorrow. But you are going to be magnificent when we are done. 

Fighting with Food.

Maybe it's time to fight USING food instead of fighting against food. Training commences tomorrow. :)

I'm a huge nerd. :D food fight starts at 6.10 and goes till about 10.40.

Here!! Go watch and LOVE.

(This photo is a product of roosterteeth inc.)

Yes. Those are turkeys on her fists, and he's got leeks. 

Seriously, though, I really enjoy RWBY. And this food fight.

Love and Allergy Friendly Kisses,

Jo Aich

GI- lookin' good?

Going in to let the drs. take a look at my entire GI system, just to see if there is anything bad going on in there, causing food allergies, caused by food allergies, caused by eating disorder... all the good stuff.

I'm scared. I'm also really excited. I hope there are some answers in there, and for once, no answer is an answer. It just means that the allergies are the only problem, I don't have to worry about something worse going on in my body and I can rest easy, and allergy free.




Update: the scope looked normal, so much relief to be sure that something horrible only FEELS like it's happening inside of me.

Love and Allergy Friendly Kisses,
Jo Aich

Thanks Colbie.

http://www.elle.com/news/beauty-makeup/colbie-caillat-try-video-makeup-transformation?click=hprc


Thanks to you, and to all the celebreties that have started making a real stand against the media beauty ideal.


I could rant forever, but I won't. I'll just say that there is something wrong when the girls and women who are truly confident in who they are and how they look are a small minority. Sometimes when a celebrity who IS media beautiful even without their stylists tells us to accept who we are it's easy to think, "nice sentiment for someone who is already perfect."
The worst part is, they probably don't think so. I know I don't. I have struggled with the woman in the mirror for a long time, but lately I have watched her change. Not because my body has gone through a change, but because my mind has. I like the body I see because it's mine, and it is the body that my husband, my children and my good friends love.

So it's time to find value in ourselves.
Please. Find it. You deserve it.

Love and kisses for all the things about you, big and small,
Jo Aich.

Never say Cheese!!

Look at this!!

http://us.daiyafoods.com/
They have so many neat products. Look here too!! http://us.daiyafoods.com/our-products

I was talking to a woman that I admire very much- and who has been a massive resource for me since I changed my diet. She was a key point of change for me. She talked to me for a while about what I could and couldn't have, then pulled out a notepad and started making a list of what ready-made products were available for sale in my area and which stores to look for them in.

I made some pretty significant discoveries. Veganase has a Soy Free. I don't really love mayonase, but it does help increase the number of recipes that I can try. This can only be found at the near-ish health food specialty store (Sprouts Farmers Market). She also told me about something that changed a lot of things for me. Cheese that isn't anything like cheese, but tastes pretty similar, and has a good texture. She told me that I needed to look at the Daiya brand cheeses that they had in the Health Food section of my local Harmons Grocer. As I have shopped there I have slowly gained an appreciation for their selection of allergy free foods, not only in that corner of the store, but also just next to their full-allergy counterparts. Yogurt made from Coconut or Almond Milks. Yum. Great fake ice cream that tastes awesome! Crackers and granola that I can have, despite everything. Believe it or not, all these things blew my mind.

I'm so in love with Daiya, just because I can't think of anything that makes quick meals more accessable than a little cheese. It feels like I am making a real meal! I am also more likely to look forward to eating, instead of turning to a binge for something I know will make me feel icky, and always followed by a fear-of-food-reactions-purge-session. I am also less likely to skip a meal when I know something as quick and easy as a microwave potato and beans with shredded carrots, perhaps something green and leafy that can take a little heat, and (yay!) Cheese! The whole thing takes about 10 minutes. I can hardly get enough.

plus, Harmons has all of the kinds, the wedges, the slices, and the grated selections. They also have all the flavors of cream cheese spread, which I don't really need. But I like the idea that I could still make cheesecake or cream cheese icing if occasion... you know...occurred.

There are always setbacks with foods like this. It is not made from milk, and thus does NOT substitute for the proteins gained there. Also, while the fat used is a organic, natural form... it's still fatty (I don't know if it would make very good cheese if it wasn't). It's not really more virtuous than full-fat cheese, it just avoids a lot of the common allergies.

And it's yummy.


Love love love love.
Try it.

Jo Aich.

the "Gluten Free Fad Diet"

I have a few friends with Celiac Disease. It can be a very serious problem. I know a woman who is probably going to die because her sensitivity to it is intense. Quitting Wheat so I'll stop having migraines... let's just say, I'm fully aware that I can certainly tolerate a little cross contamination.

But so many can't.

And this is why, today, I am writing a love letter for the new Gluten Free Fad Diet and all it's adearants. I have heard and read many complaints, and I get why it gets old for those in food service, and even some who feel that your diet belittles their necessary dietary changes, but don't let them get to you. You are making a change that matters! Especially for those of us with the necessary dietary changes- I thank you.



For so long this problem was something that mostly only the people who were suffering reactions were really aware of. Because so many people have now started to take a closer look at the diet in the first world and noticed the overabundance of some substances, and the corrilation with allergies, intolerances and general lesser health in our bodies- and you? You wonderful people went out and made sure that you took care of yourselves. You made your voices heard in Resturaunts, in Grocery Stores, all over Social Media. Because of you not just Gluten Free options, but many of the other major food allergies are gaining recognition at a faster pace every day. The Gluten Free options are getting more abundant, and better priced. Because you have upped the supply and demand factor. Just for that, I am so grateful to you. Lovely, gorgeous dieters you. I truly hope that you get all of the health benefits you are looking for from your diets, for, because of you- I can get what I need from mine.


So many effusions of joy, love and well-wishing,

Jo Aich.

SO many Flours- continued.

Look!!
Aren't they cute?

Annother huge shout-out to WinCo Foods for having super affordable plastic canisters in the food storage section, so I paid about 15 bucks for the lot, I couldnt find anything else that was cheeper than about 15 bucks per canister. I'm so happy!!

Here's what I've got there so far:
Front Row: Tapioca Flour, Brown Rice Flour, White Rice flour, Almond Flour, Coconut Flour, Quinoa, Guar Gum, Potato Starch.
Back Row: Gluten Free Oatmeal, Baking Mix (Almond, both rice and tapioca. It's a'ight) My favorite GF recipe book (I have to reformulate most of them, but starting from GF is the easiest I have found) Thai Rice Noodles, GF Macaroni Noodles, and Corn Starch.

I know you can tell. I'm proud of this as a start. I have found quite a lot of rather delicious recipies. It's time to start testing them for best-flavor and getting them up for y'all!

Love and allergy-free kisses,


Jo Aich.

Food Allergies- I’m talking to you.

This, of necessity, will have to be written in fits and starts. (Milena McGraw, After Dunkirk)

Labels

As a beginning, why don’t I bring up the impossibility of naming you? I have no idea what you really are. I have read and heard so many things. If you occur within a certain time frame after ingestion, you are most likely allergies. If you occur later, intolerances. Allergies show up on blood tests. Intolerances are just medically elusive reactions to food. Indeed, in order to be vague enough, is “reactions” a better term for you? Even then, what if I have some real medical issue and all of you are just various manifestations that I have attributed, rightly or incorrectly to certain foods. Last, but perhaps most feared… what if you are all a great big, crazy daydream I’m having. I just made you up with so much force that I made you real. Then what do I call you and my dramatic bouts of illness? Delusions. And this is a term that I’m doing battle with all the time.

I can’t settle the issue. Thank you. Thank you. Ladies and Gentlemen. I am faced with the harsh reality of people who don’t care to get it. I can’t call you allergies, because the only socially acceptable allergies are those that have a visible reaction, like violent skin rashes or anaphylaxis. If an allergy can’t prove its existence, then it’s better not to place that label on it, just in case you offend someone with a “real” allergy. I can’t call you Intolerances, because those are all in your imagination. Another thing to work out with Janna instead of something really happening to my body. Also, if I say that, I’m probably just on that latest fad diet, right?

It makes me so mad I could spit. Or puke, I guess, in my case. If I am making this up (which I doubt) what difference could that possibly make? As a psychosis is it causing me less physical and psychological pain? Is it interfering less with my life? And, just in case I’m not nuts in this particular instance, what if you are just not looking hard enough to find a reason behind it all. What if there were something you COULD fix in me and you just gave up because it’s easier for you to label me and put my disease on your shelf. You told me what to do. Ignore it. That helps with all KINDS of problems, right?

Blame Game

I have the most terrible hope concerning you, food allergies (I really do have to settle, I guess). It is a hope that I know I should not cling to, but that I can’t help but wish for. I hope that my whole life is your fault. I hope that all of my health problems have a stem from you. That if I can avoid you truly that I can be free. All the sinus infections from my childhood, my horrible stomachaches, my migraines, my difficulty concentrating, my massive mood swings, my failing vision, my vocal inconsistencies,  my fainting spells Jr. college year, my tiredness, my inability to fall asleep, my anxiety and my depression- all you. What if you are only two of those things? What if you are only one? What if I avoid like a ninja and still feel ALL of these things? I want it to be you. I want to let you take the blame for everything bad in my life. Because that would make it all easier to take.

Yet, don’t I take it anyway? I feel as though you are my fault. If I was perfect at avoiding you, then I hope I would feel none of these things. So any time I feel them, it’s on me, right? either the problem cannot be blamed on you, and thus the blame falls to me; or I am to blame for eating the wrong foods anyway. It’s all my fault. My fault. My fault. Especially if you don’t really exist, right?

Besides-effects

Guess what. You suck. Let’s just get the rant over with, because I have to say it. You do so many ugly things to my body. When I eat wheat I retain water like only you would believe. Everything about me deflated when I stopped eating it regularly. I get MASSIVE migraines. The kind that make me want to give up on living just to get away from the pain. I get pain in my guts like they are exploding inside me and when I get nauseated I burp sulfur. For days on end.  I get diarrhea pouring painfully out of me for more than a week sometimes. I even throw up. but not the way I do when I decide to do it. Usually for about an hour, and involving a lot of dry heaving and bile. Sometimes the entire roof of my mouth gets a few layers of skin removed and I can’t tolerate solid food for a few days.

And what about the less specific, but seemingly correlated things? The rather intense dizziness that I have felt over the past month or two. The irritability that is probably more correlated to hangryness and pain, but both would be a problem associated with you, right? What about the depression that seems to get much worse in correlation with improper ingestion? Were you the reason I used to faint, despite the doctor’s decision that I was faking?

I just want to let you know right now, I do blame you for my eating disorder. ED had me after a bout or two of binging and purging and it IS an addiction, but you are what I was so afraid of. I definitely blame you. And every day that I have to go feeling nasty like this, the more I blame you. I can barely stand feeling this way. Maybe intolerances is a good name. The whole thing is pretty intolerable.

And if I am afraid of any one thing most, it is that I will never be strong enough to make it stop. I feel like I can’t fight you and ED at the same time. It’s exhausting. You might never go away, and right now ED is pushing harder than ever.

Stop Thief!

Sometimes I feel like a kid in the schoolyard yelling “give me back my toys” to a school bully who has ran off with them. The more I scream, the more likely the bully is to throw them over the fence before the grounds-lady can come stop you. Then I’ll be asked to be the bigger person and move on instead of making a scene. But playing with those toys? That was what I really wanted to be doing that day. I brought them from home special.

You are like that bully. You took away food. I really like food. I like the variety of tastes and the endless possibilities when combining flavors and textures to make something new. I’m even good at it. You robbed me of the enjoyment of tasting as I create for others. You made all of my favorite things actually inaccessible to me. And… let’s be honest. I’m mourning even the things you took from me that I didn’t care for much either way just because I don’t think you had any right to take that from me. I am starting to believe the “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” thing. But I’m still holding my grudge. I can’t believe you would do that to me.

I am also angry because you don’t just cost me the foods I can’t partake of without my body throwing a tantrum. You cost me my time, which is very precious to me, both the time I spend being too miserably ill to do much and the time it takes to make ANYTHING I can eat. You also cost actual money. enough to make it necessary for me to demand that my sensitive and earnest husband provide more for me. You aren’t just hurting me! You are taking time and money away from my family, and I can’t stand it. You owe me big.

Light at Tunnel’s End

I do mean big. I can see it, though. There is this person in my mind that I can see so vividly when I think about what this could become. She’s got a long braid down her back, a bandanna on her head and a long jean dress covered in dirt from working in the garden. She has got food growing or stored to take care of her allergies in case of an emergency. Her kids help her weed and water her garden as everyday chores. She has a lot of specialty recipes and lots of specific appliances in her kitchen, the result of slow gathering. She has ceased hating you and begun to enjoy the fruits of a life lived without the bondage of the side effects you bring along for the ride. She has a system for cleaning and preparing in the kitchen that allows her to keep on top of the needs of herself, her family, and her neighbors. She smiles wide as she wipes her forehead, leaving a dirty smear that she doesn’t care about. Now that she’s done in the kitchen and garden, she has time to spend with her family, friends, or writing a blog about how she has slowly gathered herself into a functional place.

Some of this is just not probably going to happen. But some of it is absolutely within my reach, and I want it so badly, I salivate a little. I want this woman to be me. I want her peace. And I will grow into something like this because I think I must. It seems to be a choice between this and bitterness. I don’t want to choose bitterness anymore.

Even now, I can feel these words helping me to let go.

Dear food allergies. Welcome to my life. May I have the forbearance to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to tell the difference.

With growing acceptance,

Jo Aich 

SO many Flours

After searching, and trying and baking and researching more, I have found:

NOTHING.

All of the All-Purpose Gluten Free Baking mixes I have tried have a problem I'd rather not deal with. They taste funny. They fall apart, they suck in liquids like a camel, and then keep it all through the baking process. Gluten free mush can be delicious... but not so great in bread-type food. I really love Almond Flour and have a whole bunch of it, and a place where I can get it for a reasonable price (WinCo Foods FTW). I can also get white and brown rice flour for almost less per lb than wheat flour there. But I can't seem to find some of the things that seem to be the binding-blocks of most Baking Mixes, and I just haven't found them for sale at a price worth paying in my area.

So- My next step, I think, is to start researching gluten-free oats, sorghum flour, and sweet white rice flour. I will find you at a reasonable price! Starting, I think, with Amazon. I'll admit, sometimes free shipping makes up for a lot.


I'll be reporting back with whatever news breaks next...
love and allergy-free kisses!

Jo Aich.

New Grains Gluten Free Bakery

-photo from the New Grains website

 For those of you who have given a try to Gluten Free bread only to find that it is either tastes like grass, or is very dry or is totally tasteless... go here. It might change your life.
I have felt every one of the above things, and I cannot seem to make a good loaf of my own bread to save my life (which, honestly, it might). So I talked to a good friend of mine who has recently discovered that she has Celiac Disease and she pointed me to Macey's Grocery where they sell this bakery's products.

There are so many options! They have rolls, hamburger buns, english muffins, special order cakes, sliced bread, cinnamon raisin bread, a good assortments of cookies and bars for individual sale and in packs... and so much more.

Individually packed cookies- photo from the New Grains Website

They even have an egg-free version of this always gluten, dairy and soy free sliced bread. Happy dance for me!! The downside is for me and other food fighters like me is that some of their other products do have soy, eggs and all of them have some sugar. Still- look through their products and their information, and you'll likely find something you'll love without pain. I did and I love this bakery!

Egg-Free version of sliced bread- photo from the New Grains Website

I have tried some of these products, but mostly I have had the sliced bread. The sourdough is delicious and so is the multigrain, but I buy the egg-free at least once a week. The bread is dense and moist, so I generally toast it for the max time on my cheap toaster- and I can honestly say that even then it still sticks to my teeth, but OH MAN. This bread tastes so good!

Also, just look under the New Grains Foundation tab on their site. They are working with other places to start a Gluten Free Culinary Institute training facility. I think with their ability to cater to this and other food sensitivities, I wonder if they'd let me in for night classes or something, because it is a GREAT idea.

I am officially a huge fan of New Grains Gluten Free Bakery, and I have found so many things to love there, and their pre-sliced bread makes my day, sometimes.